Yesterday was day one of two days off in a row and I hardly ever thought about anything work related. Actually I was more interested in relaxing and sleeping in as late as possible.
Today was day two of two days off and I woke up with a stomachache, like a gnawing in my gut. As I analyzed why I was feeling this way my subconscious had a conversation with my conscious and I became aware that I felt anxious because my next day to work at the hospital is on Monday and I’m not looking forward to it.
Why you may ask? This coveted job as a CNA should have me jumping for joy, especially as a student nurse right?
Wrong, actually when I think of going up to my unit, I feel like I want to heave. At first I thought my skittishness was because of how physical my job really is, but as I considered further, I concluded my uneasiness was undeniably because of my incompetency with my abilities to do my job. No one likes to go to their job feeling like they don’t know what they’re doing. I'm talking about just the normal things like when to do when. For example, when is the best time to get all of my patient walks in and when it comes to morning cares do I start at one end of the hallway and work my way down to the other end, or do I jump around on my list? Also it seems difficult at times to chart after each task I do with each patient or I get called away from my COW to help another aide or nurse with something that by the time I do chart what happens I'm thinking I forgot something. You know the feeling of being nervous of getting yelled at for something you should have known to do, but didn't either because you were too busy or ran out of time.
I disclosed my heartfelt feelings to my husband who reassured me that I haven’t really put in a full 40 hours on my own outside of my preceptor’s shadow yet. He also summed it up for me, in a nutshell; that the only way I’m going to ease my stomachache is to jump full force into my job. You see, I was hired to work casual (which equals at the very least 16 hours per pay period – 2 weeks) which is about an 8 hour shift per week. One day a week of work isn’t nearly enough experience to get a handle on this tough job as CNA. But at the tender age of 33, I don’t produce the same energy as I use to in my 20’s therefore it seems to be taking a lot out of me each shift I work. If I do put in more hours per week, I’m going to feel like mush by the time I get my days off. Plus people, don’t forget, that I have my other job at the clinic that although is much easier, still takes its own toll on me in a different way. I don’t want to give up the clinic job because at some point I’ll want to come back to this atmosphere for future job advancement, but that’s for another post.
So my question is do I pick up more shifts throughout the summer like my hubby thinks, and gain more experience and feel more comfortable and less queasy. This in turn will take a much harder toll on my body and give me less time with my family (opposite of why I chose a casual position in the first place for goodness sakes this is my summer break, why shouldn’t I get a break?).
Or should I continue to work one shift per week at the hospital and pick up the rest of my needed hours at the clinic therefore giving me the break I need and hope eventually my anxiousness will subside with each week that passes?