I’m sad to announce that I took the NCLEX on Tuesday the 25th
and failed. I’m in a state of shock, and
bewilderment to say the least. I didn’t
expect this kind of outcome and didn’t see it coming from miles away. I sat for 5.5 hours, and answered all 265
questions. After the first 2 hour break,
no one was left in the testing room with me, and I felt alone and kind of
frustrated, but determined that I wasn’t out of the game.
After I finished, I had a sense of doom and left the testing
center. I pulled over at the nearest Wi-Fi
location and opened my laptop to do the Pearson Vue Trick, only to see I had
advanced to the CC screen. I thought it
was a fluke, so I drove for another 20 miles and tried again and got the same
screen.
By 2pm the following day, the state updated their website
saying my temp. nursing license had been voided. My heart dropped into my stomach, and I
crumbled. All of the flaws and
insecurities I had about myself resurfaced, and once again I felt like the kid
who couldn’t pay attention or sit still in school, who couldn’t catch on to
what the teacher was teaching, who wasn’t getting the point of the lesson. I felt like the nursing student who couldn’t
pass any exams during the semester within the 90s range because the best I had
was 70s. I felt like despite my
achievements throughout my life, the failure of this test, confirmed my worth as
mediocre.
I used to hear stories, even folklores if you will, from
upperclassmen who had failed the NCLEX.
But I never really knew anyone who had failed. I used to think to myself, boy they must have
been some dumbbbbb people to have failed.
I mean I know the test is tough, but it can’t be that tough. And for me in particular, I came from a well-respected
school of nursing that prepares their students for success. The school started us from the first semester
with application questioning so we were familiar with the same style of testing
as NCLEX.
However, in the end, I fell short. I have to say, I was a little cocky and arrogant
about my abilities post-graduation. I
felt like I was well equipped and prepared, that I knew most of what I needed
for NCLEX. I took the Kaplan review
course and learned all about strategy and the decision tree. I understood what key words to look for, I
understood ABC’s, I understood Maslow’s Hierarchy, I understood assessment vs.
implementation, and I even understood that no matter what keep the patient safe
at all times. But I still failed!
I believe my downfall didn’t have much to do with strategy
as it did with lack of content. I wasn’t
a 100% sure of all the diseases whether it was patho, interventions, outcomes,
meds etc. Nor was I completely accurate
on the order of certain skills, like suctioning a trach pt. Because of this, on testing day I didn’t feel
as confident as I should have.
The importance of this test was/is so gigantic in my life,
up to this point nothing tops it. The
importance of passing this test the first time was put so high on the priority
list that nothing should have gotten in my way.
I didn’t take the test as seriously as I should have, and as a result of
failing, I’ve been left to feeling low, incompetent, stupid, embarrassed,
worthless, and just plain unsure of myself.
Besides letting myself down, I let my husband and children down. I made a lot of promises to be with them this
summer, which now, will be incorrect.
Instead of watching the kids play their summer sports, I’ll be back with
my nose in my nursing books. Instead of
going to work, and coming home after each shift and not worrying about studying
anymore, that’s exactly what I will be doing again.
It’s funny how the stages of grief they teach you in school
really are true being, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and
acceptance. I know I stayed in denial
the first full day, moved on to anger for a short while, didn’t really hang out
in bargaining for long, but have been hanging out in depression for quite some
time. Acceptance is right around the
corner, and since I’ll be trying to retest within 45 days, I know I’ll be back
to studying before you know it. It’s
just hard, you know what I mean?! I’m
just really upset that I didn’t end up on the right side of the passing line
for NCLEX.
Ultimately, I will be getting a refund from Kaplan, and my
hubby has ensured me he will support and encourage me as much as he can. I purchased the Saunders book with CD, and
will be enrolling in the 5 week course with NCSBN within the next few
weeks. My hubby went to the library to
check out lots of books as tools for my studying time. Bless his heart; he even contacted one of my
nursing instructors who I immensely admire, to help tutor me. I’ll find out later today how that will go,
but as of now I’m moving into the direction of acceptance laced with self-loathing.
I’ve agreed to take away many of the distractions I had the
first go round like facebook, pinterest, twitter, snapchat, and anything else
that interrupts my studies. I do not
plan to post again on this blog until I have passed the NCLEX successfully. Thanks for listening and your patience
through this tough time.
